Today, I did not want to get out of bed which isn't unusual for my least favorite day of the year. Under the covers, I was warm but the bedroom was freezing. But even after I got moving, the house was still so cold and the thermostat was registering 55 degrees.
After a little investigating, I discovered that Aidan had turned off the furnace and broke off the sensor/alarm antennae. I'm assuming it happened yesterday afternoon or early in the evening when the storage room was left unlocked.
Life with autism is messy, unpredictable and noisy. There are beads stuck in noses, poop on expensive and unwashable wallpaper and drawings everywhere.
And I can roll with it and smile and pretend he isn't screaming while the doctor looks in his ear. And I'll forget that I've been singing the same Elmo songs to calm him down for the past decade. And I'll make the hard decisions that I might later regret. And I'll love who he is and not think about who he is supposed to be.
Except on February 9th.
Today is the one and only day where I allow the pain to wash over me. I let myself remember exactly what it felt like to hear the diagnosis of autism for my firstborn son. I go back to the cursed waiting room and hear the words over and over again. From the core of my being I wanted the doctor to be wrong but I knew before she even said a word that I would never see Aidan as my perfect little boy again.
And out of all the memories, the one that hurts the most, is my whispering good-bye to my son without a diagnosis and realizing that life doesn't follow my plan.
Aidan is so blessed to have such wonderful parents. I am in awe of your love, your patience, and your courage in sharing the mixed emotions you have along your journey. God wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle. God obviously knows you are tough as nails.
Miss you guys and hope to see you again soon!
Posted by: Megann | February 09, 2010 at 08:52 PM
Love you so much and admire you for your strength. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but nothing anyone can say can make it better. Just know we are here. Mom
Posted by: diane mcgrath | February 10, 2010 at 06:20 AM
Amy - I am constantly brought to the surface of what is truly important in life by reading your posts and thoughts. Especially this one - for someone so young you are living through some painful and difficult experiences but you are handling them with such grace, patience and love. Your son is so blessed to have you as a mother ( as are your other children) Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today. Mrs. C. P.S. In the middle of my typing this, my computer shut off all by itself , so you may get this twice !!
Posted by: Ann Coddaire | February 10, 2010 at 12:12 PM
In the garden of friendship, stained knees, dirt beneath the nails, unsightly messes-the unpretty-are welcomed. We are on amiable terms with heat and cold and mud and dust. No need to be concerned with looks or outward appearances among friends. This is the potting shed where problems are solved and life is nourished, rearranged, rejuvenated. (Gloria Gaither)
Posted by: Tina Harris | February 10, 2010 at 02:03 PM
Te-roca......i love you and i think you "rock"...suzie
Posted by: suzanne | February 10, 2010 at 06:57 PM